I sighed to myself trying to figure out my answers when a local bus went past me catching my attention to what it bore on the back. Bold letters hitting my senses read “I KNOW IF I TRY I CAN”. It was as if the Universe was trying to motivate me and letting out a supporting hand in this Self Mission of mine. I immediately decided at the moment that come what may, I Shall Do This and follow my Gurujis guidance as given to us. Now the question aroused How, to begin with? A name flashed in my mind to a friend, a guide, and a mentor who has also been connected to meditation for many years. I connected with Saurabh Madan and expressed him my desire to look into my inner journey and shared my resistances too. Saurabh immediately shook hands with me and accepted to guide me whenever and wherever I got stuck. With my determination, newly built confidence, and Saurabh’s support, the journey to know my inner self commenced.

The starting days went easily and joyfully and I was getting confident each day. I felt immensely happy. My meditations filled me with amazing blissful experiences each day and I shared each and every small experience with Saurabh. But the real juggle started after a month or so. Meditation opens the door to our real inner world. I had known this before but never experienced it.

With each passing day, I was hit by a fresh awareness of myself. My unexpressed anger towards myself and my family showed up right in front of my face and hit me hard day after day. Through this process, I came face to face with the glum and gloomy shadows of my inner self. There were days I used to sulk in and cry like an infant and then there were days when I wanted to throw things and sever them. Also, I faced days when I cursed myself for being born at all and was opposed to this very practice!

Spiting and churning blurred images of negativity flowed in but my determination blocked it all in my way of the unstoppable mission of 200 days meditation. Negative talks with myself and others crammed my entire meditation process. I started wondering whether I was doing meditation or just sitting there with eyes closed to experience all these? It was then I was introduced to Vatsal Badoni via Saurah who too was spiritually inclined. This was a gift from Saurabh to me as I had successfully completed 80-100 days of meditation. It was Vatsal who enlightened me on what real meditation is. It’s our inner journey. Whatever experiences I was having was just a process of my meditation and there is no room for self-doubt about anything! Whatever I had sown in myself is emerging through self-reflection.

I needed to be patient, calm, and accepting without being judgmental and just be a witness to everything. From this instance onwards my entire perspective towards meditation changed. Meditation was just a fairy-tale experience for me to date where I closed my eyes just to witness Lords coming in front of me and conversing showering me with worldly blessings and gifts. But now, I would say that this is all a Myth! Meditation is just ‘SELF REFLECTION!’ and nothing more than that and I would thank Vatsala for bringing the change in my perception.

It was at that stage where I had got through half of the journey and was now beginning to hit off the real inner work by getting exposed to every single flaw of mine. I started contemplating every single thought that I had. My ego, my anger, my frustrations all started to surface. It was once again when I self doubted and questioned myself of being agitated and frustrated instead of serene and serenity. My family members started to become victims of the brunt of my frustrations. But all this only made me realise that whatever was surfacing was actually happening for the purpose of permanent removal from my life. I accepted this change and continued with it.

Slowly and steadily long-distance relationships started building with my anger, ego, frustrations, anxiety and close relationships started budding with myself and those around me.

The last six months made me realise that I was my biggest friend and foe which I believe now that applies to one and all. Everything else is just an illusion! Blaming others and living in self-pity had completely vanished from my life. Taking responsibility and acting upon it had replaced it. Critical talks and thinking have taken a back seat and swapped with positive and loving thoughts. I started taking responsibility for my life and its happenings.

I have meditated everywhere in these last six months, starting from my room, to the washroom, in a temple, in a flight, in a hotel room, while traveling by car, with my kids sleeping on my lap or at the hospital. There were days when I just didn’t want to meditate. That was a period of resistance but I went past all my limitations with the blessings of my Guruji. Everyday meditation started becoming simpler and easier for me as I became aware of the simplicities of meditation. I took one day at a time and just concentrated on that particular day instead of looking at the whole picture.

Although the vision of completing my mission never faded, I never felt alone in this journey of mine. The powerful presence of my Guruji and the support of The Universe always guided me through the thickest part of this journey. Guidance from my mentors and friends helped me take a leap of faith in my practice.

The journey of self-doubting and negativity but the blissful journey ended. And I want to say, that something substantial has changed within me. A change that my soul had come to witness. A change in perception, a change in awareness, a step towards loving myself more than yesterday, being compassionate with others.

Moreover, this journey towards the self has just begun. Now I am trying to be in meditation 24 hours a day with each breath, being aware of each and every thought, word, and action of mine and rectifying it to my best potential.

Ego, anger, anxiety are still very much a part of my life, but now they come to make me realise that this is a lifelong process of contemplation, cleansing and releasing the unwanted stuff in me. I have started sensing what real spiritual growth is. It is not about getting name and fame through spiritual work, but about becoming a better human being every single day. The value I co-create for myself and for the people around me, the smile I can create for myself and those around me. The happiness that comes from within me is a real spiritual growth for me. With heartfelt gratitude, I thank my Guruji whose blessings never let me feel his absence, The Universe, my masters, guides, and mentors who have helped me past the crucial times of this journey and my family who has made it worth living for me. I have now made a commitment to self-reflection every day as long as I live, improving myself, and attaining spiritual growth and wisdom.

One thing that I would like to share from my 200-day self expedition is “MEDITATION IS JUST SELF REFLECTION …A JOURNEY THAT STARTS WITH YOU AND ENDS WITH YOU.”

Towards the end, I would like to share a few of my 3D world experiences mediation has brought to me.

• Moving from disharmony to a harmonious family.
• Self love.
• Getting awareness of creative writing.
• Getting acknowledged and publishing my work in leading national news websites.
• My passion for becoming a teacher in one of my spiritual modalities has come true and I have started teaching.

I would like to thank certain individuals who are no less than Lord Buddha to me in this journey:

• My Guruji Shri Patriji
• My family
• Friend mentor guide Saurabh Madan
• Mentor and guide Vatsala Badoni (February 2018)
• The book ‘Science of Meditation’ written by Chitra Jha and Dr. Newton.